Samantha
by WitchGirl
Summary: Chapter Two: Carter and the Drugs: "Put down the bottle, John" (I don't even know why i update. No one reviews.)
1. Carter and Lucy; the Unforgivable Sinner

Samantha  
  
Summary: She won't leave him alone about the consequences.  
  
Note: This story is about encounters certain doctors have with this woman before a major life change. It may seem weird at first, but if you're lucky and I post chapter after chapter, giving more hints in each one, and finally the last, you'll find out who this mysterious Samantha is.  
  
Disclaimer: Song used in this chapter is Unforgivable Sinner by Lene Marlin. Characters of ER not owned by me.  
  
1 Chapter One: Carter and Lucy; the Unforgivable Sinner  
  
It started, really, long before that conversation he had with Lucy in the hall. But that is where this story begins.  
  
"… and sutured the screaming freak in curtain two. Is there any other worthless chores you want me to do?" Lucy asked him.  
  
"Lucy, there's something you have to understand. These patients aren't gruesome burdens-"  
  
"Oh yes they are!"  
  
"Let my finish!" Carter interrupted. His back suddenly itched terribly and he reached his hand behind him to scratch it, "You can learn something from every…" but Carter trailed off as he pulled his hand away from his back and stared at it, completely dumbfounded.  
  
"Oh my God…" he whispered as he stared at his hand covered in crimson liquid.  
  
"Dr. Carter is something wrong?" Carter looked up at Lucy and screamed, making people turn their heads to stare.  
  
"Dr. Carter!" Lucy cried. Only in Carter's eyes, it wasn't Lucy. For the first time in John Carter's life, he was absolutely terrified. Frozen with fear and shocking disbelief. He looked at the woman in front of him, though she appeared much less than that at that moment. Her skin was deathly pale and her icy blue eyes were barren, like the expansive deserts of the arctic. Her bloodstained straw-colored hair framed a sickly pallid and sunken face. Her doctor's jacket and clothing was stained with crimson. And all the while she was saying:  
  
"Dr. Carter, are you all right?"  
  
"Am *I* all right?!" Carter cried, "Am *I* all right?!" he couldn't think to say anything else. He was looking at a walking, talking, bleeding corpse and she was asking him if he was all right.  
  
"I'm going to get Dr. Weaver…" Lucy stared at Carter as he stared at her. She was so confused. What had gotten into him? He kept staring at her than staring back at his hand as if it were some gruesome sight.  
  
"Lucy!" Carter cried, helplessly. He sounded so desperate, so worried, so afraid, "Lucy please! No, not Lucy!"  
  
"I'm right here, Carter, I'm just going to go…"  
  
"No!" Carter screamed, "Lucy, please, don't go!"  
  
"O…K…" Lucy was extremely concerned. Suddenly, Carter fell to the floor.  
  
"Dr. Carter!" She cried again. People watched, helplessly, rooted to the spot and terrified. Mark came running down the hall as Carter writhed in pain on the floor.  
  
"Lucy!" Mark cried, "What the hell did you do to him?"  
  
"Nothing, I swear!" Lucy cried as Mark bent down to Carter.  
  
"He's sweating uncontrollably! He must have a fever."  
  
"A high one. At least 105. He's convulsing, Dr. Greene!"  
  
"Someone get me a God damned gurney!" Mark cried. That seemed to stir people up. Everyone started moving again.  
  
They wheeled him into the trauma room as Carol joined them.  
  
"What happened to Carter?" she asked.  
  
"He was fine and then he scratched his back and took his hand back and stared at it as if someone'd chopped it off! Then he looked at me as if I were a ghost!" Lucy explained. They worked desperately hard to help him.  
  
Carter blinked and looked behind Lucy, the dead Lucy that was not ten minutes ago so full of life. He saw her in the corner.  
  
"Samantha," he sighed. The woman grinned, her black waves of hair cascading down her shoulders. Her green eyes sparkled. She was a lovely woman, with fair skin, dressed in a simple, black sleeveless gown, as always.  
  
"Have you learned yet?"  
  
"Learned what? You mean this was your doing again?"  
  
"John, you should know by now that this is always my doing!" Samantha laughed.  
  
"I expect you in dreams, in fantasies maybe, but never when I'm awake!" Carter was angry.  
  
"You aren't learning. I had to do something."  
  
"Learn what?" Carter demanded again. Samantha looked at Lucy, scurrying around the trauma room like a squirrel before winter. Carter followed her gaze and looked away instantly. She was still dead to him. He shuddered.  
  
"They'll take her away if you aren't careful."  
  
"They? Who's they?"  
  
"If you act like she means nothing to you any more, if you mistake her for less than she is, they'll take her away. Much like a child and an old, beloved toy."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The child may have kicked the toy aside, glancing at it now and then and picking it up to remember or maybe even play a little bit. Kicking it around the room. He knows it was always there. It would always be there. It is his. Then, one day the boy wakes up, deciding he'll play with it, and it's gone. He frantically runs downstairs to find his mother. 'That old thing?' she says, 'you never played with it so I gave it to charity. I didn't think you'd mind. It didn't seem to matter that much to you anymore.' And so, the child cries. And the child cries. And he won't stop crying until the mother buys him a toy exactly like the one she gave away. But you see, John, people are different. When a person is taken away, another can't be bought to replace her."  
  
"You aren't saying… This is crazy!" Carter laughed.  
  
"Laugh all you want, John. Ignore her all you want. You must realize. Don't take things for granted. They WON'T always be there! They WON'T always be able to cater to your every need. If you don't learn that lesson soon there will be terrible consequences. Life is short and some have it shorter than others," she glanced at Lucy again as she said this.  
  
"Lucy isn't going to die!" he cried, "That's preposterous!" Samantha sighed sadly.  
  
"I tried to warn you," she said, "This was your last chance to learn. Now, you'll have to learn the hard way. The consequences."  
  
"Stop bothering me!" Carter screamed, annoyed and scared.  
  
"You'll only see me when you need me. I'll only come to teach you lessons." Samantha grinned. Carter squinted at her.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked for what must be the millionth time in his entire lifetime. Samantha laughed again. She seemed to be happy a lot, even when teaching these grave lessons she loved to teach.  
  
"I am Samantha."  
  
"That's exactly what you said ever since I was a kid!" Carter said, now extremely annoyed, "Give me a decent answer!"  
  
"I am no more, nor less than you say I am." Samantha's face was straight now.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What do you think I mean?"  
  
"Stop that!"  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"That thing that you're doing!" Samantha laughed again with her glorious laugh.  
  
"Awaken, John."  
  
Carter opened his eyes and sat up so fast it made his head spin.  
  
"Dr. Carter!" Lucy said his name with concern and it made Carter smile. Carol reported that, peculiarly, his temperature had returned to normal.  
  
"What?!" Mark cried, incredulously, looking from Carol, to Carter, "How on earth is that possible?"  
  
"Don't ask me, I'm the nurse, you guys are the doctors!"  
  
"I'm still feeling a bit woozy…" Carter said, groggily.  
  
"What happened to you, Dr. Carter?" Lucy asked. Carter looked at her, afraid to see her barren, arctic eyes and her dead complexion, but saw the usual, lively, cheery young Lucy. Except worry was written all over her face. Her eyes were twice their normal size. Carter's smile broadened. She was worried about him.  
  
"I'm not quite sure myself."  
  
"This doesn't make any sense. I'm getting a drink…" Mark said, walking out of the trauma room and holding his head, "Someone tell Kerry about this, I've got a terrible headache."  
  
"I think he means me. I'll go tell Dr. Weaver," Carol said and left. Lucy watched them leave and then turned back to Carter.  
  
"How can a man be perfectly healthy one minute and then convulsing the next? And then healthy again?!" She demanded. Her voice was unusually high. She sounded nearly hysterical. She was genuinely worried! Carter would have laughed, but didn't want her to think he was trying to offend her.  
  
"Why are you asking me?" Carter asked, shrugging. She unexpectedly hit him, "Owe!" Carter cried. She hits hard, he thought.  
  
"Why am I asking you? Why am I asking you?! YOU'RE MY TEACHER GOD DAMN IT! Aren't you supposed to know these things?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What happened to Dr. Know-It-All?"  
  
"He went on a quest to find the meaning of life, but in the meantime, you can leave a message with Dr. I-Don't-Know."  
  
"Very funny."  
  
"I thought it was." Carter grinned and she grinned back.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Samantha? Where's Lucy?"  
  
"You had your chance, Dr. Carter."  
  
"Chance?"  
  
"You knew this would happen. Consequences."  
  
"She's not dead."  
  
"I tried to warn you. You took her for granted."  
  
"She's not."  
  
"I told you not to take anything for granted."  
  
"Please tell me she's alive."  
  
"Have you learned yet?"  
  
"Yes, yes, now please, tell me she's OK."  
  
"She's OK."  
  
"You don't mean that."  
  
"I do."  
  
"God, she can't be dead."  
  
"She's OK."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"She's OK."  
  
"I knew she wasn't dead. I knew she'd be all right. I knew she'd survive."  
  
"John, I said she's OK. She's OK. And she's happy. And someone else will take care of her now. Not you. She's OK and she's happy, but I never say she was alive."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Lucy's dead, isn't she?" Peter Benton said nothing. Carter sighed and looked up at the ceiling, "Man…"  
  
"Do you want to be alone?" all Carter could do was nod. When Peter was gone, the only thing that refrained Carter from jumping out of his bed and turning it over in frustration was the fact that he was in immense pain from the stab wounds left on his back from Paul Sobriki. Lucy had received stab wounds too. But she wasn't alive to experience the after effects.  
  
"God damn it!" he roared, quite frustrated with the world at that moment, "This is all your fault, Samantha!"  
  
"Did I hear my name?" Carter looked by the door and saw her, standing there.  
  
"Oh, you'll pay!" he cried, trying to get out of bed to attack her.  
  
"Careful, John. You're way too weak. You don't want more pain."  
  
"What do you know about pain?"  
  
"I was alive, once you know. I once knew pain." Samantha's smile was no longer in place. Her face was quite solemn as she approached Carter's bed. Her lips were pursed in an expression of remorse. She straightened the covers on Carter's bed needlessly.  
  
"You killed, Lucy." Carter whispered, eyes narrow. Samantha shot him a look. It was a cold, angry, scolding look. Almost evil. Carter had never seen her this way before.  
  
"That's where you're wrong, Dr. Carter. You killed her. You killed her with your ignorance, with your arrogance. You killed her. You took her for granted. Why you still haven't learned your lesson yet is beyond me. They thought if you just knew what it was like, if they took something away that you took for granted, you'd understand. But you don't. You have no one to blame but yourself."  
  
"I've learned, Samantha, I really have!" Carter began to cry, "I shouldn't have treated her the way I did. I'll do better, I promise. Just bring her back! Bring back my Lucy!"  
  
"I'm afraid that is beyond my power." Her green eyes were soft and compassionate again as she tried to console the man that was falling to pieces before his eyes.  
  
"She's gone, John. Accept it. But there is one thing you don't need to cry over. Unless it's that upsetting. You always have, me, John. I was there since the moment you were born. You always have me. I was there when you were born and I'll be there when you die. I always will be."  
  
  
  
Kinda lose your sense of time 'cause the days don't matter no more  
  
All the feelings that you hide gonna tear you up inside  
  
You hope she knows you tried  
  
Follows you around all day  
  
And you wake up soaking wet  
  
'Cause between this world and eternity  
  
There is a face you hope to see.  
  
You know where you've sent her, you sure know where you are  
  
You're trying to ease off, but you know you won't get far  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
But you can't hear those words  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
Unforgivable sinner.  
  
You've been walking around in tears  
  
No answers are there to get  
  
You won't ever be the same  
  
Someone cries and you're to blame  
  
Struggling with a fight inside  
  
Sorrow you'll defeat  
  
The picture you see it won't disappear  
  
Not unpleasant dreams or her voice you hear.  
  
You know where you've sent her, you sure know where you are  
  
You're trying to ease off, but you know you won't get far  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
But you can't hear those words  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
Unforgivable sinner.  
  
Maybe one time lost but now you're found  
  
Stand right up before you hit the ground  
  
Maybe one time lost but now you're found  
  
Stand right up before you hit the ground  
  
Hit the ground.  
  
You know where you've sent her, you sure know where you are  
  
You're trying to ease off, but you know you won't get far  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
But you can't hear those words  
  
And now she's up there sings like an angel  
  
Unforgivable sinner. 


	2. Carter and the Drugs

1.1 Chapter 2: Carter and the Drugs  
  
"Put the bottle down, John."  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Because I say so."  
  
"But it hurts so much."  
  
"No pill can quench that pain, John."  
  
"How do you know? You don't know the pain I'm in!"  
  
"I've been there, John. Put the bottle down."  
  
"And what if I say no? What if I just swallow the whole bottle?" Carter yelled at Samantha across the room.  
  
"Then I'll bring help."  
  
"You can't bring help."  
  
"I can and I will. You don't know me half as well as you think, Dr. Carter."  
  
She only called him Dr. Carter when she was serious or upset.  
  
He knew this.  
  
"Put the bottle down and relax. I'll help you."  
  
"No. I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help!"  
  
"John." That was all she said. Simply 'John.' Nothing more. But she said it so powerfully, it caught his attention.  
  
"No."  
  
"Give me the pill bottle. Please, John. You've had your fair share of medication for the next six hours. Give me the bottle."  
  
"I… I…"  
  
"Please, John. Do it for me. Do it for Lucy." There was hesitation. The room was frozen, Samantha holding out her hand to take the bottle and Carter just standing there, about to take some. Then, Carter broke down and fell to the floor, dropping the bottle. Samantha rushed to his aid. She hadn't seen him like this since Bobby died. She took him in her arms like the mother he never had and stroked his hair soothingly like she would to a little boy. In truth, that's what the trauma had reduced him to.  
  
"Please promise me you'll stop, John. You have to stop."  
  
"I'll try."  
  
"That's a start. I'm here for you as long as you need me. Open up, John, ask for help when you need it. You don't need to bear this pain by yourself. Please don't be stubborn."  
  
"I won't." he promised, "I won't."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
But he was stubborn.  
  
And he continued.  
  
And she saw it.  
  
But she didn't interfere.  
  
It was up to Peter now. If she couldn't get to him, and if Peter couldn't get to him, then no one could.  
  
"John and Peter's friendship is stronger than the pain. It is stronger than anything."  
  
And it was. When Abby saw Carter in the trauma room, he was doing more than swallowing pills.  
  
"I forgot my charts," she said when she saw him. He kept his back towards her, refusing to face her. But she saw the syringe anyway. After much thought, she told Dr. Greene.  
  
They cornered him.  
  
He felt betrayed.  
  
"Show me your wrists, Carter," Kerry demanded.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said show me your wrists!" She obviously didn't like saying those words herself. She felt like a betrayer, but knew it was for the best. He showed them.  
  
"Take off your watch," the words tasted so bitter on her tongue, but she knew they needed to be said. That's when he quit.  
  
"I guess that's it then."  
  
"No," Peter said, "It isn't." He wasn't about to let Carter throw his life away. And Samantha smiled as she watched him chase after Carter. He stopped him outside. What she saw nearly melted her heart as Carter cried in Peter's arms. Peter drove him to the airport and even went as far as to get on the plane with him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"Shouldn't I be asking you?"  
  
"It's your life, not mine. You decide. You're going to Atlanta. Good job."  
  
"Yeah, but everyone thinks I'm an addict."  
  
"But you *are* an addict!"  
  
"That's not the point!" Carter tried to explain, "The point is that they think- OK, fine, that they *know* I'm an addict."  
  
"It's not that shameful."  
  
"It is to me. My cousin-"  
  
"I know about Chase, remember, John?" Samantha interrupted. Carter sighed.  
  
"I wonder if my parents will ever know. Or if they'd even care."  
  
"Of course they care. Don't talk like that. And trust me, they'll know soon enough."  
  
"I can't believe I could be so stupid!"  
  
"It's OK, it happens. You went through a very traumatic ordeal and nearly lost your life." Carter sighed.  
  
"That's just it, Sam. I did lose my life."  
  
"You learned, though didn't you?"  
  
"And then some."  
  
"Tell me what you learned, John."  
  
"I learned that I can't take things for granted, like you told me. I understand the guilt and the sorrow that are the consequences of it. I learned that pain is one of the worst things in the world. I've learned that life is short and can be taken away at any moment. It could be good if you make it good. And mostly, I've learned…"  
  
"What have you learned, John?"  
  
"I've learned she's not coming back."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"This is where I leave you, man." Peter said, standing in what would be Carter's room for the next few months.  
  
"I'd just like to say… Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Benton. Thank you for not letting me turn into Chase."  
  
"I could never watch you do that," Peter smiled, "You just stay away from drugs, OK? You should know, after all those patients you've seen, after Chase, that they destroy you."  
  
"Maybe I wanted to be destroyed." Carter muttered.  
  
"You don't want to be destroyed."  
  
"No, but maybe I did, somewhere, some part of me just wanted to roll over and die."  
  
"You wanted to stop the pain."  
  
"You think I succeeded?" Carter asked, "I still feel it. Every damn day, it's there, as if the knife is still in my back. Hell, maybe it is! Metaphorically, I mean."  
  
"The pain will fade," Peter said, "And you'll get on with your life."  
  
"You're right."  
  
"There will be other things, though. Other traumatic experiences, other lost loved ones, other close encounters with death. What you have to learn is that you can't rely on drugs every time something bad happens in your life. Bad things happen to everyone, the good, the bad, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. If anything, it makes you more of one."  
  
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?" Carter smiled weakly. Peter smiled back.  
  
"My plane's leaving in an hour and a half. I have to go."  
  
"Right." Carter nodded. With one last, friendly hug, Peter departed. Carter sighed and sat on the neatly made bed.  
  
"What am I going to do?" he sighed sadly, head in his hands.  
  
"It's your choice isn't it?" Samantha closed the door.  
  
"You're here again."  
  
"I'm here when you need me."  
  
"You've been here a lot."  
  
"You've needed me a lot."  
  
"What do I do now?" Carter asked her. Samantha smiled.  
  
"It's good to know you have a choice, though, isn't it? It's good to know that your choice isn't death by drugs or death by sorrow and loneliness."  
  
"I suppose so."  
  
"What do you want to do, John?"  
  
"I want things to go back to the way they were."  
  
"Ah, but alas, the clock doesn't turn back for one person alone." Samantha sat next to him on his bed.  
  
"You're right."  
  
"So what do you want to do? Other than turn back time."  
  
"What are my choices?" Carter asked. Samantha's smile widened.  
  
"You mean you don't know?"  
  
"No. I don't know anything any more."  
  
"You can make an effort to get clean, to get sober again. Friends will help and if you try hard enough, you'll get through this with flying colors. The result? Friendship, possible romance, good times, bad times, pain, joy, and eventual happiness. In short, a shot at a normal life again."  
  
"And other options?"  
  
"You can stay here, in this room, and never come out. You can take your pills and you can take your syringes and you can take your alcohol, all temporary and easy solutions, and you can die here, cold and alone, your only friends being your faithful drugs. The same drugs that will slowly kill you."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"That's it." There was long silence between them. Carter sighed and smiled at her.  
  
"I'll take 'Make An Effort' for five-hundred, Alex!"  
  
"That's the spirit!" Samantha grinned, more proud of John Carter than she ever had been.  
  
"Sam…"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"A friend."  
  
"Are you real?"  
  
"What's your definition of real?"  
  
"Are you just an illusion?"  
  
"I am no more or less than you say I am."  
  
"Can others see you?"  
  
"If they want to, yes."  
  
"Am I crazy?"  
  
"Far from it." 


End file.
